What Cancer looks like to me!!

Cancer comes in many shapes, sizes and cuntiness.

This is what cancer looks like…. TO ME!

1 x Colonoscopy –Soon to be two

4 x Butt Examinations

3 x CT Scans

3 x MRI’s

5 x IVF Vaginal Follicle Ultrasounds

35 x IVF Self injections (3-5 daily)

35+ x IVF Medications

1 x Day surgery- Intravenous anaesthetic sedation to surgically remove eggs

3 x Permanent Tattoo Dots on my ass to remind me of my radiation

28 x Doses of daily radiation

1 x Colorectal surgery- Removing part of my bowel/rectum through my stomach and tying it back together

5 x Days hospitalised (Peacing out early)

1 x Hydro morphine Pain Pump

1 x Catheter

Enough x Pain medications

5 x Incisions/ scars on my stomach

30+ x Staples

26 x Daily Self injections of blood thinning medication

150+ x Hormone replacement therapy tablets (ongoing)

ENDLESS x Needles for endless blood work

ENDLESS x Oncologist and specialist appointments

1 x Day surgery- Sedation to insert Portacath under my skin for Chemotherapy

46 x Steroids

84 x Anti- Nausea medication

6 x Rounds of Intravenous Chemotherapy

1 x Day surgery- Sedation to remove Portacath from under my skin

672 x Chemotherapy Pills

AND I’M ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES!

As my cancer treatment is starting to wrap up, I took it upon myself to slightly reflect on this past year, this is just the parts I can remember, not to even touch on the physical and emotional side of things.

Since ‘finishing my chemotherapy treatments’ I’m constantly asked ‘are you stoked?’, ‘congratulations’, ‘you must be so happy?’, etc!

Don’t get me wrong I am beyond happy I didn’t have to go in for another chemotherapy round yesterday, I’m ecstatic I’m not taking steroids, anti-nausea tablets and chemotherapy pills today. I beyond grateful for all of the above.

I think it’s hard for people to wrap their head around the PTSD that comes with completing you cancer treatment. The adapting to ‘the new normal’ they speak of. Accepting the changes that either may stick or may go back to ‘normal’ with the remains of what’s left of your battered and beaten body. The waking up daily and trying to find a new purpose to start that day. The thought of going back to work after forcefully having to take a year off, the constant struggle of thinking WTF am I even going to do for work.

Things are certainly not ‘over’ for me, or anyone who has undergone and completed vigorous cancer treatment. But that’s a daily mental challenge I will continue to battle through as I knew coming out of this was not going to be easy.

I have since added to my daily affirmations:

“I didn’t come this far, JUST to come this far”.

I definitely still have a lot of processing to do, but when I look at some of these stats I really do have to consider myself one of the lucky ones and believe it or not there is guilt that comes with surviving, it’s called ‘survivors guilt’

Here is a breakdown of my gratitude:

LUCKY- I pushed for that colonoscopy.

LUCKY- My healthy lifestyle the year prior my diagnosis, kept me at a stage 3 allowing me to narrowly avoid stage 4, with cancerous cells being in two lymph nodes either side of my tumour.

LUCKY- My cancer was still at a stage I was able to even do the IVF. Yes having to undergo IVF for cancer treatment at 28 years old sucks. Injecting yourself daily with BIG numerous needles that make you feel like a crazy person, enlarging your ovaries to the size of grapefruits all while costing you a small fortune is never fun. Will I be able to carry any of those eggs, due to radiation, potentially not. Have I processed this, probably not! I am grateful I was even given the opportunity to freeze my eggs as I know there are MANY young women affected by this disease that would have killed for this opportunity. Young women that can not bare to be around their own nieces and nephews, let alone other children because the pain they feel from having that ripped away from them is too much to burden. So yeh…. I’m one of the lucky ones.

LUCKY- For those 28 doses of radiation. Not everyone has a result that I did shrinking my tumour from the size of a golf ball to microscopic cancer cells by the time of my surgery, making it far less complicated for the surgeon to operate. This can be a rare outcome for many patients.

LUCKY- For the outcome of my surgery. Most patients come out of surgery with a stoma bag that attaches to the outside of their stomach leaving them having to empty it daily, often more then once. The stoma bag can be temporary for 3 months or in some people’s case permanent. I was told I would more than likely need a stoma bag and was even brought into the hospital prior surgery for a 2 hour brief on exactly how to use it, he even made me curl over and marked my stomach in-between my 'fat rolls' with a sharpie, sealing it so the surgeon knew where to cut open and place the stoma bag. So yeh.. LUCKY to hear that good news when being wheeled into the recovery room.

LUCKY- To even be able to take hormone replacement therapy pills. MOST young females affected by various cancers can not take any pills to help with menopausal symptoms brought on by radiation and chemotherapy as some tumours are hormone related and oncologists will not risk fucking around with tumour growth etc. I’m so grateful, without these pills I’d have not slept a wink. The nightly hot sweats and changing my clothes 5 times a night would have killed me long before I even made it to the end of my treatment.

LUCKY- For my Portacath (lol). Even though I didn’t like it. I am grateful my oncologist made me get it. Without my port, due to the strength of my chemotherapy, having it be administered via an IV it would have burned the shit out of my veins (making for quiet the painful experience). On top of the burn the chemotherapy drug also has the potential to corrode surrounding tissue and harden the veins. SOo yeh, I’m grateful for that stupid lil thing, BUT IT'S GONE NOW. 😀

EXTREMELY LUCKY- For the support I’ve had from family and friends over this time. For the people who put forward their time, energy and love into throwing me a fundraiser, taking time off work, flying countries etc, etc. I could forever go on and my gratitude is endless. Without the financial support alone I could not have done it. Going through cancer treatment is FUCKING EXPENSIVE and I think I was oblivious to that in the beginning. So GRATEFUL and so so LUCKY. As most people are not so fortunate to be blessed similar situations. And sadly a lot of people end up going through it alone.

There are many more things I am grateful for over this past year. For every success and every win I am grateful, but I do not forget, nor am I oblivious to just how lucky I am and that for every one of my wins there are so many who were not quiet as lucky.

❤️ 🙏 ❤️