Finding a sense of Balance.....

Comfort, Relapse, Anxiety, Grief.

All things that go hand in hand when looking at the bigger picture.

Two weeks ago I spoke about the benefits of setbacks, not only for growth, but the necessity of reflection to see how far we’ve come and exactly what we are capable of. Like any sensation of high, naturally as human beings, we often are equally as guilty of letting ourselves get carried away with these emotions as we are the negative ones.

Say for instance if you were sitting by a campfire with friends with a big ol bag of mushrooms and you start nibbling from the bag. It is far too easy to lose sight of 'balance' when one minute you think nothings happening so you nibble more, then nibble a little bit more, then next minute you realise your camping chair has started swallowing you whole, dragging you into it's inanimate world. You on the other hand reluctantly allowing it while in a fit of excessive laughter!

As we go through life we take on extra stresses in many different forms. Yes to that extra shift (it's extra cash right?). Yes to that extra dinner party (it's fun right?). Yes to helping that friend move on your only day off (it's the right things to do right?) Bit by bit, task by task we are unknowingly building up stress and tension in our bodies ignoring the signs our bodies are telling us to slow down and re-group, ignoring our own right to boundaries.

I don't know why taking mushrooms came to mind when thinking up this post but I guess to anyone whos ever taken them, you would know there is a fine tipping point between fun, and all kinds of NOT fun lol. I feel like my life has been balancing on this tipping point for awhile now (and no I have not taken shrooms this week lol). Sooooo in a way this equates to balance…. Kind of!

Who ACTUALLY knows shroom measurements??? If you do, where were you back in the day? TBH I probably wouldn't have listened to you anyways haha! But tell me this, is it measured by ‘a nibble’, ‘a munch’, ‘a handful’, ‘or the whole god damn bag’? Either way; you're going to have someone whos having a grand old time, looking at the world with a big smile on their face telling people their ‘muscles are smiling’. The person next to them in full mute status, the person across from them likely washing their dog with no clue as to what’s left or right as it's been rolling around in bear shit. And then, always, you have the one person in the group who’s getting eaten by a fucking camping chair!

If I relate my life two weeks ago to a bag of shrooms, they must have been covered in chocolate, because I’m pretty sure I finished the whole freaking bag! I guess I took it upon myself to celebrate a little bit harder then I am used to these days, more so then my healing body is capable of.

Sorry family, I know I’m about to offend you but, WHO’D of thought that bartenders have the same capabilities as Jesus, turning my glass of water into wine every time I would take a seat at the bar….. CRAZY ;) !

I ignored every single sign that said…. Hey girl, take her easy, hey girl slowww it down, hey girl, do you realllllyyyyyy need that second margarita, is there such thing as a reverse Jesus, if so maybbbeeeee turn that margarita into water.

I definitely did not sit with my emotions, I definitely did not process that appointment, I 100% still have not. I’ve barely even scratched the surface of processing anything I’ve been through this past year.

In the past I’ve managed to deal with my problems and emotions through alcohol, drugs, security blanket relationships, over exercising, restrictive eating , basically anything that will occupy every second of my time meaning there is no time left simply to just: sit, feel or acknowledge there is any problem at all!

Cancer treatment or not, if you ignore trauma, if you ignore life problems, if you constantly get carried away with the highs while simultaneously ignoring the lows, IF YOU IGNORE ALLL THE SIGNS….. They will not just go away.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today….. BUT!

Having your license suspended does NOT give you free range to down a bottle of wine (unless you are Britney Spears circa 2007). It’s still going to leave you $500 poorer along side added feelings of sleepless insomnia, enhanced anxiety and heightened depression.

Hanging out with people younger then you does NOT make you that again and especially does not give you free range to party like that (unless of course you are Janet Bonet and Jason Mamoa, cause come on…. who wouldn’t tap that that!).

Let's be realistic, most people in their party stages don’t have much more interest then exactly that, getting wasted, doing their own thing and once those boxes are ticked, fitting you into their schedule when it suits. Don’t get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and I’d be lying if I said I didn't sometimes miss my no obligations, carefree lifestyle! BUT at almost 30 It’s only going to leave you feeling tired, deflated and like you’re lowering your own emotional intelligence to a solid 10/100!! Know your worth and stay true to yourself, you can waste your life constantly waiting for a text back or open yourself up to the people offering up heli-skiing dates ;) !

DON'T go into work hung-over with no sleep, ESPECIALLY IF YOU WORK IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY…. come on, do I even need to explain this one. Holy hell of all things created by the devil himself. I swear this is in its own realm of evil and I don’t know if maybe I’m just old as fuck now or if I haven’t been hung-over in about 3 years, but this is an absolute no brainer.

BASICALLY…. It all comes back to balance and taking care of yourself to the best of your ability. Listen to the signs your body/ the universe is showing you when it’s time to take a step back. SLOW down and TAKE a break. No matter how far removed you are, try and go back to healthy daily practices you know help and benefit you, if you don’t have any, maybe it's time to create new ones :)

It so easy in today's society to fall back into our ‘crutches’, ‘vices’ and ‘comfort zones’. This week (month/months LOL) I basically relapsed, relapsed into my comfort zone, of what I took to be the easier option. I was once again swallowed whole by that camping chair.

Luckily the camping chair thing is just a metaphor for heightened anxiety, the inability to breath and a whole lot of shit going on internally that wasn’t quite sure how to make it to the surface in one smooth transaction.

SO.... once hitting a small level of rock bottom, I guess I was finally able to take a step back and accept what happened this week as an unreasonably inconvenient situation and considered it a sign to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.

For this week's chapter anyways :)